How Often?

ED team appointment Wednesday. The first thing they want me to do is to try and eat every two hours, it doesn’t matter what I’m eating although preferably ‘meals’ and ‘snacks’ but the focus is on regular eating rather than any form of diet plan. Yet. Obviously the increase ect will come. Right now they’re hoping the regular eating will stop me from b/ping (and as I’m in no way underweight, they don’t need to worry about getting me to gain quick). My intake is a little higher, I’m eating seven times a day after all and even though it’s hard and scary I am trying to make the ‘meals’ bigger than the snacks.

It is only day two. I learned I need to ease up at night yesterday. I felt so stuffed and nauseous when I went to bed last night and woke up still feeling nauseous. The Fluoxetine is helping too.

I hope this is a sign things can get better. I am scared but I want this to work.

ED Team

I know really I have left but I thought, just in case anyone ever checks this still, that I should update for this.

I am now seeing the ED team in my home town. People trained in looking at eating disorders, not just the guy from the mental health services. I had my assesment over the easter holidays, early April time, and my proper treatment/therapy course starts on the 12th May. I get twelve assisted self help sessions probably over 12 or so weeks, working with a therapist to go through a self-help book, and up to three dietician appointments should I so desire – which I do. I am also now on a course of fluoxetine (Prozac) to help stabilise my mood and also hopefully supress any b/ping.

I am glad. I’m not doing great at the moment, slipped again and have been purging several times a week, constant laxative abuse ect ect ect. However I’m trying to be better, trying not to purge, trying to up my intake a little and I really hope this helps. I am positive for the future. Which is nice for a change.

Fading Away

Which is what I seem to be doing in regards to this place. I keep another diary on another site (which I won’t link to in fear of triggering anyone, while it’s not a pro-site – believe me I wouldn’t go there – neither is it 100% recovery) and with university and my outstanding skills in procrastination (I’m meant to be working on a lab report right now) I don’t seem to have the time to keep up with everything. Which means I won’t be posting here as much at all, not that I post often. I will try and read everyone’s blogs even if I lack commenting skills most of the time. I will come back to update when I can, especially if something good happens.

At present I’m struggling ED wise. Self-esteem is better(ish) and my time seeing the mental health team is coming to an end, I tried to bring up body image regards to fatness and eating struggles again this week but he isn’t equipped to deal with that and I know that really. He told me I wasn’t fully grown yet (probably true) and that it was natural to not like myself. *sighs* Oh well, hopefully the ED team is getting a move on. Apparently they called him to ask for my GP so they could organise a blood test, again the “I need to prove I’m ill” thoughts are back but I’m trying to fight them. Being home isn’t hugely helping, the mess and stress of proper meals and no safe food is triggering me. But I have three weeks here now over Easter so I need to work through it.

That means shopping today for some safe items and hopefully no more b/ps for the rest of the holiday. In good news it’s nearly the end of Lent so I can have chocolate again! Although hopefully I can control myself with it. Plus I need to do some work. Two tutorial sheets and a lab report to do…

❤ Katie

Ill :(

Just a quick post. Sorry I’ve not been around, I was super ill.
Throwing up saturday night through sunday and then cripplingly nauseous (as in standing/sitting up = feeling like I was gonna hurl) monday & tuesday with interesting stabbing pains in my chest and stomach and aches all over. Wednesday I was betterish, still a bit nauseous mostly just very achey and by the evening the pain was almost reducing me to tears. Today I am much better and finally got in for lectures. I hate being ill, I handle the throwing up and the pain (to an extent) better than the nausea though. Can’t handle nausea at all.

Today hasn’t been the best of days, its not ED related. Just one of those days. I’ve hardly stopped crying all day, not 100% sure why, weird things are setting me off. Just everything seems overwhealming and hopeless. And annoyingly, it’s not even something I can blame on hormones at the present time ><. My internet was broken all day on my old laptop (the one I know my way around better with all my bookmarks and stuff 😥 ) just when I needed it most, and it’s still iffy I think. I’m on the new one right now. Oh and my personal tutor made a comment that I didn’t like – he was explaining heat capacities using people and the comment “even though Woijech probably weighs half again what Katie weighs”. Not. Happy.

On top of that because I missed another lab session – I tried to go in, nearly threw up on the floor and had to apologise and leave – and it’s so far unauthorised and won’t be until Monday when I can get the lab supervisor to authorise it, and somehow I’ve missed two tutorials I’m in trouble and have to go see the head of undergraduate teaching. I know I missed one tutorial because I was ill (own fault…) but I don’t know when/how I missed the other. I don’t know, I’m really stressed out over it all now and I have no real excuse.  I don’t know what to do. I don’t really want to be here, I’m unhappy. But who’s to say I wouldn’t be more unhappy somewhere else, who’s to say somewhere else would even have me if I got in. I don’t know what to do.

A Day To Remember <3

*ahem*

For those of you who weren’t aware (so no one really), last night I went to see a band by the name of A Day To Remember. It was part of my Christmas present from Chris and I’ve been looking forwards to it since Christmas :D. There shall be picture spam :p

It was AMAZING! I spent all day totally hyper, grinning like a lunatic when I walked past the academy and the tour buses were outside, and generally annoying my flatmates by playing all three albums on repeat all day when I wasn’t in lectures. The support acts I’d never heard of but they were okay, the first one, Your Demise, was actually playing by the time we got in – seeing as I live so close we left a few minutes after the doors opened to avoid standing in a huge queue, there was still a pretty long queue when we got there (right past the SU) but it was moving so all was well. 🙂

During the support acts we managed to get into a space around the side, which was alright at first because there was plenty of breathing room. Then when the second support act, Architects, came on a good number of people moved forwards and it got a bit crowded, which I didn’t like especially seeing as I didn’t know the songs and had nothing really to distract me from the presence of so many people and the fact that I was scared of being either headbutted or stood on by a large bald man in front of me ><. Also I couldn’t see. I swear I’m too short for the kinds of gigs I like, they’re always full of 20-something year old men who tower over me. But at least it meant there weren’t a tonne of pretentious 14 year old scene kids giving people dirty looks and randomly pushing you because it makes them think they started a mosh pit. Not that I’m bitter or judgemental :P.

Anyway, between Architects and A Day To Remember I tried to go to the merch booth to get a teeshirt. Well, first we went to go buy drinks, which meant getting very crushed up against a tonne of people and bleh, didn’t like it. I have to say the ADTR merch guy was a bit crap, there were three or four people standing at the barrier wanting to buy things and he was just talking to merch guy for the Architects and ignoring everyone which I thought was a bit daft, especially as between bands is when a lot of people buy merch. Anyway, eventually Chris got served and I went to go buy something but another girl came over and waved at the merch guy and he started talking to her. I assume she was someone important obviously but still, grr. When I turned around to talk to Chris he had vanished, he said he told me he was leaving but gigs are so loud even when no one is on and he didn’t yell it down my ear so I didn’t hear. I couldn’t see him and I got really freaked out, by the time he got back the band were coming on so I just left it. To be honest I was a bit upset :(.

A Day To Remember themselves were brilliant, they played several of the songs I wanted them to play, including my two favourite ever songs – one of which is from their first album and I didn’t think they’d bother with. I was so excited. I’ve proper wrecked my voice from singing/shouting/screaming so much. I think I may have scared the people behind me when a couple of songs came on because I got really overexcited 😀 hehe. I never managed to go in the mosh pit, even though I really wanted to :(. It was my own fault, I brought a bag with me to carry everything in and I know full well that I can’t go in a mosh pit with a bag on, especially not the one I took – it’s too easy for it to fall off or someone to catch it by accident and either pull me over or choke me. I’m annoyed at myself for that, I really like mosh pits. It seems strange because I hate being in the crush in the middle of the crowd, I can’t breathe, I’ll only do it if I’m on teh barrier or 1-2 rows back from it. But in a mosh pit I can breathe, despite the running and being thrown around, because there’s space. Everyone steers clear of the mosh 😉

The songs they played were, in their main set: (in no particular order) Mr Highway’s Thinking About The End, Homesick, Have Faith In Me, Speak Of The Devil, The Danger In Starting A Fire, Over My Head (Cable Car) [it’s a cover heh], You Should Have Killed Me When You Had The Chance [<3!] and Heartless. And in their encore they played The Downfall Of Us All and The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle ❤ 😀

I did get a shirt in the end, after the encore. Although I had to get a guy’s shirt because Chris bought the guy’s version of the only design that they had in girlyfit and I’d feel a bit weird getting the same shirt as him. Like we’d copied or something. Ah well, my shirt has Pinky&The Brain (his has Pacman) so we’re both proper cool. I didn’t hang around afterwards to try and meet the band either, I asked Chris whether we were going to hang about afterwards but he didn’t know why we would so I left it. He was knackered and I felt bad, so we went back to the flat. I was awake until 4-5am, and woke up at 7:30. Bad times!

Anyway, the afforementioned picture spam…

Pre Gig Fuel: Chicken, Cheese and Salad sammich, Yogurt and radioactive cheap energy drink

Me looking insanely happy :P. Contacts ftw where gigs are concerned.

My Teeshirt: Front & Back

1. The Downfall Of Us All 2. My Life For Hire 3. I’m Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of? 4. NJ Legion Iced Tea 5. Mr. Highway’s Thinking About The End 6. Have Faith In Me 7. Welcome To The Family 8. Homesick 9. Holdin’ It Down For The Underground 10. You Already Know What You Are 11. Another Song About The Weekend 12. If It Means A Lot To You

Released February 03, 2009

Album: “For Those Who Have Heart” (2007)

Buy CD or download MP3s at Amazon.com

1.	Fast Forward To 2012
2.	Speak Of The Devil
3.	The Danger In Starting A Fire
4.	The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle
5.	Monument
6.	The Price We Pay
7.	Colder Than My Heart If You Can Imagine
8.	Show ’em The Ropes
9.	A Shot In The Dark
10.	Here’s To The Past
11.	I Heard It’s The Softest Thing Ever
12.	Start The Shooting

Album: “And Their Name Was Treason” (2005)

Buy CD or download MP3s at Amazon.com

1.	Intro
2.	Heartless
3.	Your Way With Words Is Through Silence
4.	A Second Glance
5.	Casablanca Sucked Anyway
6.	You Should Have Killed Me When You Had The Chance
7.	If Looks Could Kill
8.	You Had Me At Hello
9.	1958
10.	Sound The Alarm

Other songs:

	Breathe Hope In Me
	Heartless / Re-recorded Version from “For Those Who Have Heart” Re-issue
	Last Request
	Over My Head (Cable Car) / from “Punk Goes Pop 2” Compilation
	Right Where You Want Me To Be
	Since U Been Gone / from “For Those Who Have Heart” Re-issue
	When 3’s A Crowd
	Why Walk On Water, When We’ve Got Boats / from “For Those Who Have Heart” Re-issue

😀
Now I need to go hand in my lab report and tutorial work. I’ll update again later in the week with how my appt goes today 🙂

I Cooked!

Very quick post, since the last there have been several downs in terms of mood but some big (to me) ups in terms of food.

1. I cooked. On my own. Granted I microwaved because I lack any real cooking equipment bar a saucepan, but I was in the kitchen, making food that kind of looks like it could pass as a real meal. Albeit a fairly low calorie one

Two cod loins and salad, one had Levi Roots Reggae Reggae BBQ sauce on it, the other had some lemon 🙂

Biiig picture, sorry. Ah well you can laugh at my photography :P. I was stupidly pleased with myself at cooking, it was a bit redicularse to be fair. Someone came into the kitchen as I was leaving and gave me a weird look because I was grinning at food. Haha, oh well. That was yesterday, not sure if/when I’ll manage to cook again but yeah, yay?

2. I’ve been having breakfast! The past two days I managed to make myself have breakfast and I haven’t binged or overly restricted to make up for it. It still feels really weird and I still feel like I’ve eaten too much by the end of the day but oh well.

I think atm I’m going to stick with just having breakfast and occasionally cooking something in the kitchen as my challenges. At least until I’m comfortable with them, ie not freaking out over how much I’ve eaten and using some (useless) safety nets. After that who knows, maybe I’ll be able to cut down weighing? Obsessive calorie counting and planning?

Also I tidied my room today, well kind of. There’s still a tonne of stuff under the bed I have no place for, but it made me feel better. I let my room get a mess and it makes me feel down but then I feel to crappy to do anything about it. But I did today, I’ve got a to-do list for the week. Did well with things yesterday, less well today but never mind. I’m going back to watching the Big Bang Theory ❤ 😉

Nerds & Physics ftw.

Trying?

If actions spoke louder than words, you’d have made me deaf by now
You make it seem so easy to love me for who I really am, am.

It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to let you go
It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to watch you go

So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)
So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)

It’s so crazy how it’d make my week just to hear them mention your name
Is it so hard to understand how you’ve got me right in the palm of your hand?

Your Way With Words Is Through Silence – A Day To Remember (click)

On Thursday (March 11th) I’m seeing them live with Chris as part of my Christmas present :p. I am so excited it is unreal! If I don’t come out of this gig with bruises I did something wrong though haha.

Anyhoo, aside from the occasional excitement in my life things have been up and down. I was doing alright this week for a while, not as awesome on the self care as I should have been and there were a couple of total freak out moments which were really bad but there were plenty of good moments too. I went to most of my lectures, which is good for me this semester (I’m pretty ashamed how much I’ve let myself slip) and I did all the notes and my lab report and coshh form so I’m up to date on my work for the most part minus notes from Friday. I’ve also been doing better with thoughts and stuff. When I gained a little on Thursday I managed to not freak out and still ate things, I even cooked fish in the kitchen. And I tried to have breakfast on Friday, ended up being brunch at 11 because I overslept but oh well. I still had lunch and eat just at later times.

The appointment went okay. I’m officially going to have my eating disorder services referral go through on Monday, he had to weigh me and measure my height to get my BMI first. I told him I was scared because I was wearing clothes and on my period and I knew it would be heavier than it should but he was really nice about it and let me get weighed backwards so I didn’t see what it was. So that’s that for now. And I am trying to do better with eating, pushing myself but not too hard and yeah, trying. But at the same time I have that little voice in my head saying that if I try and if I start doing a little better then they won’t see me any more because I won’t be ill any more. I know in my heart it’s not true but it makes things hard sometimes y’know?

Friday ended badly. I b/ped really late (11:30-12:00), not 100% sure why. I think being at home and up late did it, weird trigger but oh well. For some reason my tea came up then, that’s a good five-six hours later. It really freaked me out and made me really mad at myself because I was so determined to keep my tea down. I know I shouldn’t have purged at all but eurgh. I’m trying not to let it set me back though, having a small freak out about burgers because I had to get the non-light choice so my sister would eat it but I’m determined to make it through.

Trying to stay positive.

Rut

I appear to be stuck. I am (not so) suddenly incapable of eating breakfast… this has been going on for a while now and it’s causing all kinds of knock on problems. I’m struggling with getting to late morning lectures because I’m hungry and exhausted and blargh and it’s making labs even harder because as well as being not particularly enthusiastic or happy to be there, I’m hungry and lacking energy. I did try to have breakfast a few times, the breakfast itself was alright, the after-effects not so much. I felt like I’d binged and eaten way too much, which isn’t fact but the emotion was overwhelming, this either lead to me struggling to eat later in the day or just flat out binging. Neither are good. I know there’s a way to work around this but I’m not sure how, I guess I’ll probably just have to do it with a meal plan of sorts and just fight through the emotions. I just don’t want to 😦

In the same vein I keep getting into food ruts. It’s totally disordered but honestly boring. A few weeks ago it was just protein based food, lots of just cold deli meat out of the packet. More recently it was yogurt, and a couple of days of yogurt with fruit. The theme of this week appears to be sandwiches. Don’t get me wrong, sandwiches is a good thing. I went on a low-carb spazz and only recently got carbs back in my diet, now I seem to be overloading… four slices of bread a day can’t be good for me. Wonder what the theme of the week next week will be, maybe I’ll cycle *sigh*. I really need to try and mix it up. It’s just the foods I can prepare (kitchen issues still going strong) and the foods I feel ‘safe’ eating are so limited, even when Chris is here we have the same sorts of things over and over (burger patties, chicken grills, fish pie, fish fingers…). I really really hope my referral is going through.

On side notes:
1. I drink waaaay too much squash. I’ve had like 4-5litre bottles of water (refilled two bottles frequently lol) and about a litre of squash today. It’s a really good thing I do get sugar-free/no-added-sugar/low calorie stuff when I’m having that amount!
2. Did I ever mention that I have a house for next year? If I did sorry for bringing it up again, I’m glad it’s sorted though.
3. Possible bragging ahead… you have been warned.

I got my exam results yesterday:
Introductory Chemistry (main Chem module): 59%.
Quantatative Chemistry (basically GCSE and basic A-Level maths): 84% – I should have done better there, I did the maths A level for chrissakes and got a B. Plus it was multiple choice. *facepalm*
Physics (<3): 61% – I wish I’d done better, but I’m really happy with my mark because it was hard.
Synthesis Labs: 45%
Measurements Labs: 69%
(Labs are ongoing, guess which I like better though? 😉 )
Overall Average: 64% which is a 2:1

I don’t know how to feel. I knew if I’d done brilliantly (over 75-80%) I’d be happy with myself and maybe have more confidence in what I’m doing. If I’d done terribly I’d drop out and start again somewhere less research oriented and more student orientated – somewhere with a higher than 73% student satisfaction (we’re pretty far down the table) and with less lab hours, or at least less consecutive lab hours. I’d probably change degree course to something more physics/physical chemistry based. I like maffs 8) just don’t have a good enough set of grades or understanding to do well on a maths degree.
As it is I’m stuck in limbo, I don’t fully enjoy my course and i know it will get harder and I’ll struggle more. I doubt I put enough effort in as it is, I just don’t have my heart in it. We’re supposed to do 100hrs personal study on top of lectures for each of our modules, this semester that adds up to around 600-700 hours. Gives me about 10hrs of free time a day, if I don’t use any of my weekend (Saturday & Sunday) for university work.

I feel sick. My stomach has been iffy recently to be honest, I don’t know whether it’s something I’m eating (slight dairy intolerance?) or drinking (although it’s been three days since I last had alcohol, which usually does it for me). Also I gave up chocolate and sweets for lent (Chocolate does not cover hot chocolate because tbh I doubt options contains any real cocoa mass, and sweets doesn’t cover toffee ;). I have both rarely anyway, so it’s not a huge overlooking but I suck really). I made the mistake of googling “giving up chocolate for lent” and faced a lot of blog posts with a lot of venom over that, saying it’s a stupid idea and we should give up something proper like meat or dairy. I feel bad now, like I’m not doing lent well enough, but I didn’t want to restrict my already restricted diet any more and well, sweets and chocolate are some of my fre regular indulgences.

Also, this post by Vanilla asked a really interesting question that I said I’d answer here instead of in comments because the list is so long. What foods do I “not like” because the ED won’t let me like them, but really I find them tasty…
1. White pasta and rice – this is more recent after my lowcarb sillyness, but yeah.
2. Potatoes – I love potatoes, but again with the carb thing. They scare me now.
3. Deep pan pizza – this is an iffy one, I do kind of like it a bit (mmm, dough) but I think I do genuinely prefer thin and crispy.
4. Chocolate Cake – never tell anyone about this… I am still adamant I won’t eat it with my family >.>
5. Supernoodles – calories 😦 The buggers are cheap too.

What’s sad is I’m sure I can think of more. Brain is currently fried, several nights of falling asleep late, waking up several times during the night then waking for good around 8-8:30 am (thanks cleaners this morning, I was finally getting good sleep!) has killed me.

Hopefully I’ll update again soonish. I’m going to try for once a month or so 🙂
Muchlove<3

Good Day

Today will be a good day. This weekend will be a good weekend, even if I have to fight every second of the way to make it like that. Today is mine and my boyfriends one year anniversary of dating *blush*. I know it seems like a silly thing to be making a big fuss of (or at least that’s what my mum tells me) especially when people usually celebrate marriage not dating, but just over a year ago I never thought anyone would ask me out ever. I figured I was too fat and ugly and too messed up to be asked out, hell even up until the point he actually asked me I never thought anyone would really be interested in me in more than a ‘quick bit of entertainment while I look for someone better’ kind of way.

A lot has changed since I met Chris. And I mean a lot. I’ve been to the doctors about my eating disorder, more than once. I made an attempt at starting recovery, relapsed and now I’m trying to start again. I have a referral to MH services and the ED services. I’ve become happier, slightly more confident, I can use trains and buses without freaking out too much, I’ve grown up and I have something to live for. I wouldn’t have ever done any of that without him, definitley not any of the recovery stuff. I’m not hinging my life on one person, even though I guess it seems like it sometimes, but this relationship has done amazing things for me and I can’t ignore that either. Those are just some of the few *points* 🙂

In other news:
Manchester hasn’t emailed me back. There hasn’t even been a group e-mail to all students since I sent mine. It’s Thursday so I guess they aren’t doing anything – they’re very focused on fairtrade fortnight though.
I’m still bleh. Days are up and down but I couldn’t say I was doing well. I really don’t care about myself right now. I haven’t changed my top in too many days. Haven’t washed my hair or shaved in too many days. I’ve been missing lectures, which I never thought I’d do. I just don’t care enough about anything really. I’ve been trying to do work though, currently working on an Organic tutorial sheet for tomorrow and I’ve promised myself I’ll turn up to both afternoon lectures today and shower, wash my hair, shave, the works tonight. And I really hope Chris never reads that because I am so disgusted with myself right now.

Hope no one is reading this over a meal or anything, I’m so sorry if I’ve disgusted you with any of this and I don’t blame you if you stop reading altigether, I’m gross. Okay, off to finish working.

Awareness

It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness week this week 😀 is anyone doing anything?

I emailed the student union to tell them and ask if Manchester was doing anything, sadly no reply yet but there’s still time.
Valentines weekend was amazing 🙂 I had a really nice time.
Since then I’ve been a bit down… very down actually, hence my not being here at all really.
I may have a referral to the ED services in Warrington now 🙂 The guy from the MHT said he would try and get it sorted by my next appointment in two weeks (first week of March), so hopefully my referral will at least have been sent by then.

Had a kind of productive day today. Managed to get my lab report done and half tidied my room at least, which is more than usual. Currently chilling and watching meaningless telly 🙂